frostythehitman

Don’t start with that—

[ james!!!!!!!!!!! he’ll punt you!!!!!!!!! while eren’s smiles in a near sheepish way, he knocks james’ arm with a fist still holding his spoon. if anything, he’ll let the movie continue playing again for some background noise.

eren remembers the weird time it was back in july and august. he doesn’t remember going to air force, but . . . he doesn’t completely ignore the fact that things probably did happen. he had a life where his dad was still around, but on the other hand . . . their relationship was terrible. right?

it feels like a fever dream. ]

How much do remember of me in the Air Force?

[ Oh, right. He almost forgot about that weird memory shift. Reality shift? James doesn't know quite what it is. But whatever it is that Eren remembers and what he remembers don't quite line up.

He'd be more concerned about it if this wasn't just what life was like now. He shrugs. ]

Not much. It's not like I was in your unit or anything, I was just some army brat that happened to be living on the same post you were.

I do remember you were nicknamed Weewoo Guy after your CO made you run laps while shouting "weewoo." [ He can't help but grin slyly at that. He had nothing to do with it but oh it was a delight to witness. And then, looking more seriously, ]

...And you were one of the first people to find out I lost my arm. Gossip moves fast on post.

[ eren’s face probably (read: definitely) drops into a flat line at the mention of “weewoo guy”, but hell. he is not too much of a stick in the mud in that sense, and while he smiles— it isn’t a happy one!! he can feel these aren’t lies and he hates it.

and he was dumb enough to do something to make him do laps like a siren.

eren jaeger, in every life.

one of the firsts to find out, too. he remembered finding out, but— he wasn’t sure if he was quite the first. either way you look at it . . . eren sighs a little through his nose. ]

It’s been more than a year, already.

Since I lost the arm? Yeah.

[ He extends the metal arm and flexes the fingers on it, as if verifying that it is, in fact, real and functional. ]

You know, I went back to having a normal arm right after I died for a few days. It was weird and uncomfortable--I think my brain forgot how to handle the sensation of touch from my left arm. Plus, I couldn't do stuff like punch through brick walls anymore. It's probably messed up, but I was relieved when I got this one back again.

Edited 2019-01-19 07:28 (UTC)

[ eren thinks back on what he did remember about james when he lost his arm. teenage rebellion at its absolute finest, eren must say. down to the anger and fighting anything that moved. maybe attempting murder. ]

Not as messed up as most of us are. [ he says with a light heart (even though it has a much deeper truth to it, lbr). ] What’s worse is that I can’t see any of us without these things we’ve gotten. Or at least it’s hard to imagine.

Speak for yourself, I still wake up every morning thinking I'm gonna see an 18-year-old in the mirror.

[ But then his expression grows more somber, because Eren's right. All the memories and the regains he's received, they feel so fundamentally a part of him now that he might as well be a different person than he was before this Retrospec stuff ever started. All these regains aren't just from some guy from some other world, they're him. ]

...But that's probably gonna stop eventually too. Someday I'm gonna wake up and just--be a 36-year-old man. Like this is how old I'm supposed to be.

[ He doesn't know how to feel about it. He certainly doesn't like that thought--but is that even going to matter, once he gets used to being like this? ]

[ oh, christ.

you know, that’s not something he thought about? and with that smile that used to be there . . . it’s now equally somber. ]

You think we’ll forget everything?

[ at the same time that there’s relief on eren’s shoulders, human relief— there’s also worry. he does not want to walk backwards.

even if what he’s become is questionable, eren doesn’t want to lose it. he doesn’t want to lose everything he’s learned. pain aside . . . pain, he can handle. lifetimes and lifetimes worth of teachings, and experiences, and what made him him now— he couldn’t get that back. ]

I don't think we'll forget. I just think it's gonna be hard to tell what came from where. Like, I'm not gonna forget my life before this [ he gestures at his grown self ] but eventually it'll just seem like I'm supposed to be like this. It's all just...us.

[ He already has a hard enough time telling apart his regained memories from the 'real' ones. It's all started blurring together. Did he die of a fake suicide in prison? Or falling off a rocket? They both feel equally as real in his mind.

James has even given up on articulating the difference between himself and his other self entirely. He only bothers differentiating now when the people he's speaking to seem to care about the distinction. ]

[ there’s much more ease to his shoulders, and one would still think he’d still be a little tense to the thought of what that all entailed— eren’s eyes are to the screen, but he isn’t truly watching what’s happening. he’s seeing a completely different movie in front of him. ]

How much of a difference do you still feel between memories? On a scale of one to ten.

[ maybe he’s just blabbering, but— eren has been feeling this way for a while, and no one else agrees. ]

Edited 2019-01-23 01:50 (UTC)

Where one is no difference at all and ten is totally, completely different?

[ He hums as he thinks about it, twiddling the ice cream spoon in his metal hand. ]

...Three.

[ hm!! hm. ]

I’d say two or three, too. And I’m not bothered by it.

Hah. I used to be.

But then I realized there isn't any difference between him and me. A person's just a jumble of memories, right? And I've already got most of his. All that's different is that I technically don't have a body count, but I tried pretty damn hard to fix that myself even before I remembered it. Which goes a pretty long way towards saying I'm the same guy.

I remember that.

[ and the fact that back then eren was starting to feel his colors mesh from strictly black and white to grey, hm.

now all of him is as muddy as a thundercloud. ]

The only thing I see different about me now is the circumstance I’m in. [ he has a good life. a great, life, actually. he has a mother, a sister, his father in memory and in will, considering all of what he owns. he has a fiancé, he has a career, and he has a life to live now. it’s not three or four years, like he used to have. ] And— I wouldn’t want to be different.

[ because he knows who he is, to the core. eren jaeger doesn’t back down from responsibility or duty (no, he probably takes too much of it on his shoulders, is the problem) especially with this life, you know.

he has some comfort knowing he’d still do the same thing for life. ]

Really? You wouldn't?

[ Even with everything he's remembered?

James doesn't know the full details of Eren's memories, but he knows enough that they can relate on some pretty horrific things.

And James considers those things enough that he, himself, would definitely want it to be different. He'd love to not be this person that he is. He'd love to go back to being that teenager two years ago. He may have been embarrassing, but at least he wasn't some criminal lost cause.

He doesn't see how Eren can embrace it so much as to be proud of it. ]

[ eren doesn’t respond to this like he should. it’s quiet and he just fills his mouth with ice cream, looking at the screen but not really looking at it.

it’s not how he truly, truly feels, he’s lying about it. not directly to james, at least. it’s a lot of lying to himself. of course there’s a part of him that’d like to be happier, like he used to, but . . . ]

It’s hard to think I’d be ignorant again.

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